Monday, April 09, 2007

There Once a Girl Named Amanda

Well it has been a while since I have posted. Really nothing new to report. Kids are good. Hubby is good. I thought I would share something seeing that this is a my blog and I can. Something that maybe you have gone through too. I just feel the need to be honest and maybe it will help me with what I am going through.

Ever since my dad died I feel like something is missing. Yes, I know that is a normal feeling when someone loses a loved one. I just have never been one to be unhappy. I am the friend that you call to cheer up. The person that is there to make you laugh. It just seems to have gone away. I started to isolate my friends and my family. My attitude towards my marriage was all wrong. I just was missing me and I was just having a hard time trying to get it back. Everyone around me noticed that I have changed. I just played it off as I have 2 kids now and I need to deal with that. So little by little, Amanda had gone away. I would not call it an actual intervention, but some loved ones of mine decided that it was time I seek some help. So I did. And it was scary at first. I still get nervous everytime I go. But it was not as clinical and weird as I thought it was going to be. This person has allowed me to express all of my feelings and not only does she say it is ok, but she helps me fix them. It has been about 2 months now and my husband mentioned to me the other night "My Amanda is coming back" That was the best birthday present in the world. I want me back. I want to feel happy again. I am not on any medication as a personal choice because I want to work through this and feel everything. I am just at the point where I am starting to see things differently and I am working on changing. I actually love it. So maybe instead of finding me- I find a better me at the end of all of this.

So there you have it. Full blown honesty. I will hopefully get back in the swing of things and post again and comment again. I miss my blogger buddies and all their insights. So thank all of you. This blog has brought me more than I could have ever hoped for.